Like most good things, there is a dark side to food. And I don’t mean the brown lumpy bits on over-ripe bananas. No, children, it’s worse. It is the seedy underbelly that destroys families and happiness and color. It is the reason Twix Bars don’t count as protein bars and cheesecake makes you sick after the fifth slice. Yes, there is a cruelty to the foods we eat and I’m here to warn you about the nasiest of them all.
A friend at Pavlov’s Hair Conditioner and I were discussing the scummiest of the scum. We identified 6 Bagels Who Lied on Their Job Applications but this is the Queen, y’all. This is the Big MoFo and boy, it’s got a stinger for sure. Here are 12 reasons why BitchBagel will probably lead to the total collapse of mankind.
This is the first sign of being a psychopath, and an evil overlord.
2. BitchBagel doesn’t enjoy time spent with family.
BB didn’t make the last family game night. And didn’t even call Mama Bagel to tell her it couldn’t go. Three weeks later, BB texted her and told her it “had to work late.”
3. BitchBagel wears large hats in movie theaters.
It went to Finding Nemo opening weekend and wore ten ten gallon hats. On his head. Stacked one on top of the other. Children cried. There was rioting. BB only ate more popcorn.
4. BitchBagel wishes it had more attractive friends.
BB is the worst at fishing for compliments. Even compliments to its friends are backhanded comments about its weirdly-shaped seasame seed on its buns.
5. BitchBagel pukes in your bed, on your birthday.
God. Do I even have to explain this one? Don’t trust BB on this reason alone.
6. BitchBagel says happy birthday, when it’s actually BitchBagel’s birthday.
Even though the date’s on Facebook and it’s texted you like five times in the past week.
7. BitchBagel sleeps with your best friend when you forget BitchBagel’s birthday
BB is pretty touchy about this whole birthday thing. But, like, in a pretty immature way. This also happens when you don’t spend at least 30$ on BB’s gift.
8. BitchBagel said it was sorry. BitchBagel wasn’t actually sorry.
We know BB isn’t sorry because it happened again when you didn’t say Merry Christmas within the first hour of Christmas.
9. BitchBagel liked the ending of HIMYM.
First of all, how dare you. The movie adaption of Clue is the equivalent to listening to Beyoncé for the first time and that is not “just all right”.
11. BitchBagel believes that Maryl Streep couldn’t play Batman.
12. BitchBagel is goddam wrong.
Did I mention the part about Meryl Streep and Batman? #BitchBagel #NeverForgive #NeverForget